


A Solution To Every Problem

by Anonymous



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas Gets Sam A Puppy, Cas Gets What Cas Wants, Cas Is A Smol Murdery Angel, Jealous Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Multi, Possessive Castiel (Supernatural), Wincestiel - Freeform, do not take this seriously, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-29 22:18:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18787360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Dean’s past few dates have all ended badly...for them.He and Sam start looking for curses or somebody who just has a vested interest in making sure Dean’s sex life grinds to a halt.That somebody is a lot closer then they think.





	A Solution To Every Problem

**Author's Note:**

> *sighs*

“Dammit,” Dean said.

Sam looked up to see his brother trudge down the stairs, looking like somebody had dented his car.

“You’re home early?” He glanced at his watch. It was just after eight, and Sam wouldn’t have expected to see Dean again until the wee hours, coming back sated and happy, so something hadn’t gone to plan.

“Yeah, well my date came to a sudden end.”

Sam frowned. Nobody would just dump Dean during the middle of a date. He felt a surge of annoyance at whatever asshole hadn’t realised the chance they’d been given.

“His loss,” he said.

Dean sighed. “No, _he_ came to a sudden end. He was walking over from the park and that dumbass statue fell on him. Nothing left but a pile of squashed meat.”

Sam swallowed queasily. “Uh.. Isn’t that the fourth time that’s happened?’

Dean grabbed some whiskey from the cabinet by the wall.

“No,” he said. “It’s the fifth. Maybe there’s a hex bag in the car, or something. I’ll check in the morning.”

++

The car was curse free, so Sam spent the next morning checking his brother (which wasn’t the trial Dean seemed to think it was) but the only mark on Dean was the one Cas had put there all those years ago.

“Maybe it’s just shit luck,” he said.

Dean glared at him. “Nobody has luck this shit,” he said. “Not even us. I’m calling Cas.”

Sam sighed. Cas had enough on his plate without driving miles back from wherever to listen to Dean complain about the fact that his love life was starting to mirror Sam’s.

++

“So,” Dean said. “The first date was that guy, Derek’s cousin’s boyfriend? You know, the one with the….”

He cupped his hand loosely in front of his groin, making exaggerated hand movements that Sam took to mean Dean had believed what Derek had said about the, uh, _stature_ fate had gifted him.

“Anyway, we were passing this French bulldog and it just got hold of his ….”

“Anyway,” Sam interrupted, because Cas didn’t need to know even the slightest detail about the poor bastard’s demise and he already knew way too much about it himself.

“They’re a small breed,” Cas said.

Sam stared at him.

“Yeah, so?” Dean said.

“How did it reach his-“

“ _Anyway_ ,” Sam said. Holy shit, Cas took obsession with detail too damn far sometimes, but he guessed that was the angel in him. “The next guy was passing a fire hydrant when it went off and the cover knocked his head off. Literally.”

“The next two didn’t do any better,” Dean added, and sat down at the table before pouring himself another drink. “I’m never getting fucked again.”

Sam stared at his brother, and then quickly dropped his gaze. All Dean had to do was ask, and Sam would take care of that.

But Dean had never shown any sign of being interested in his brother, and Sam had almost resigned himself to the fact that wouldn’t change.

Almost.

“Perhaps,” Cas said, “you should abstain until we find a way to resolve this.”

Dean looked like Cas had suggested he chop his dick off.

“For the short term,” the angel added. “Think of it as practicing safe sex.”

“By practicing _no sex_.”

“I think the actual term is celibacy.”

Sam got up before the foul look on Dean’s face translated into words that would piss off their only other friend in the whole world.

“So, we’re good, Cas, thanks. Can you, uh, let us know if you find out anything?”

Once the angel was gone, Sam watched Dean slump, defeated, into his chair.

“Why the fuck does this always happen to me?”

Sam crouched down in front of him. “I’m here for you, Dean,” he said. “I’ll always be here for you.” _Even in ways you’re never going to want me_.

Dean smiled, and it was gentle and grateful and it made Sam’s heart melt.

“Thanks, Sammy. Hey - do you think it’s safe to have sex with myself?”

Sam sighed.

++

Dean checked in with Cas once, twice, a day, but the angel’s answer was always the same; nothing yet.

He thought Dean might be under a curse, that someone, somewhere was making sure Dean couldn’t indulge himself with a sexual partner.

Curse, Dean complained, was right, and he seemed determined to curse Cas with phone calls and texts, and whining fears of blue balls until Cas started insisting any communication came via Sam.

Which meant Sam was the one getting his ears chewed off because this, to Dean, was hell.

Much as he loved his brother, though, there came a point where Sam had just had enough, and Dean was in mid childish tantrum when Sam up and kissed him.

And that, as they say, was that.

++

Cas came home a few days later, and Sam noticed something odd about him immediately.

He’d either put on weight, or there was something alive under his trench coat.

“Cas?”

When the angel saw him sitting at the table, he started guiltily, but then opened his coat and held out a mewling furry ball.

The puppy snuffled as Sam took hold of him, and stroked him gently.

“Cas, is this for me?”

The angel blushed. “You…. I know you’ve wanted a dog for some time, and I felt that you should have one. I...very much like to make you happy, Sam.”

Oh. _Oh_. It might have been a while since Sam had dated, but he wasn’t an idiot, and he was holding a puppy and looking at a bashful, doubting angel, and he’d kind of imagined if this ever happened, it’d be between Cas and Dean.

Especially since Cas had seemed so put out those first few dates of Dean’s, so put out in fact that if Sam hadn’t known better, he’d have thought Cas was…

_Oh_.

Nobody had the kind of bad luck Dean’s dates had experienced.

Cas hadn’t seemed too bothered about their bloody ends, more that Dean should keep it in his pants.

And even when Dean had been right next to his probably one night stands, he’d never gotten even a scratch.

Add to that the fact that Cas had made zero progress in finding out what was happening with Dean’s ‘curse’ and Sam was pretty sure he knew exactly what was happening.

Dean chose that moment to appear, and slipped an arm playfully around Sam’s neck to tug him in closer.

“Ugh, where’d the rat come from?”

Sam nudged Dean away and not just because of what he’d said. “It’s a puppy. Cas got him for me.”

And he hoped Dean played it cool, but what the hell was he thinking?

Dean grinned, and then he reached out to stroke the dog. “Hope you’re not trying to steal my man, Cas.”

Cas stared at them, looking from one to the other, and there was a flash of hurt, then anger, and then Cas strode past them and headed for his room.

“Great,” Sam said. Not that he thought for a minute Cas would hurt him (he’d just given Sam a puppy for crying out loud) but this…. No, this wasn’t going to end well.

++

“You’re fucking crazy,” Dean said.

Sam was sitting in their room, back against the headboard, with the puppy snoozing in his lap.

“Take a minute and just think about it, okay? I always thought Cas had the hots for you. Me, I never, but you start dating, hooking up, and suddenly you’re the ultimate bad luck bear.”

“Nobody’s checked out all Final Destination on you,” Dean said. “But then you don’t date.”

Sam glared at him. “Technically I’m dating _you_ ,” he said, and started to wonder _why_. It wasn’t for his charm.

Dean slumped down onto the bed. “So. He doesn’t want anybody dating me. He doesn’t want anybody dating you. Which means, what? He wants us both?”

Sam frowned, but he realised maybe his brother had a point.

“One way to find out.”

++

The diner, Dean had heard, did the best meatloaf anywhere within fifty miles of Lebanon, which meant the first day off they got, he piled them all in the Impala and off they went.

After a morning spent screwing their angel, though, then each other, and then back to Cas.

By the time they pulled in, Sam could have eaten four horses, and he sat on one side of Cas, Dean on the other, the three of them snug on one side of the table, and not caring who the hell had thoughts about it.

Cas looked cat-in-front-of-a-fire content, as well he might, since he’d gotten exactly what he wanted.

“So, handsome, what’ll it be?”

Sam looked up as the waitress, a forty something with pretty eyes and a deliberate come on tone to her voice, drew her eyes up his body.

“Uh…”. Sam grabbed for the menu, tried to avoid her eyes. “I’ll just have the meatloaf. Dean?”

He couldn’t ignore how his voice had shot up a few octaves.

Dean didn’t seem to have noticed there was a problem. “Yeah, same, he said. And three slices of pie, if there’s any.”

She didn’t spare Dean a glance either, and seemed barely listening when Cas ordered meatloaf and water, and spent the entire exchange glaring at her so hard Sam was surprised she didn’t spontaneously combust on the spot.

“Cas,” he warned.

The angel smiled sweetly, but there was something shark like behind it.

“Sam,” he said.

And then there was a clattering sound from the kitchen, and someone started to scream.

Sam groaned, and motioned Dean to get out of the booth.

“Meatloaf’s off,” he said. “Let’s find a Denny’s.”


End file.
